July 23rd, 2008 §
Today, I officially announced my resignation to my colleagues at our weekly team meeting. Resignations don’t take me by surprise, because people come and go all the time. What surprises me more is how people react differently to departures.
My first resignation was extremely low-key. I didn’t tell anyone short of one or two people, until the very last day. One person in particular got offended that I didn’t tell her I was leaving. She saw it as indifference, and that she was a nobody to me, although we got along OK at work. I told her that she didn’t get singled out, since I told almost no one about it, but I also apologized for any ill feelings. The rest didn’t care that much.
My second resignation took place in light of a downsizing exercise of the startup company I was working for. Although the company prepared new roles for us at an affiliated company, I wasn’t the only person leaving. But when I told my boss about it, he was concerned and asked me a lot of questions. The others were mostly silent. But everyone understood and supported my transition.
Resignations are about managing relationships
I don’t think I’ve ever burned a bridge before in my life, but I’ve dealt with all sorts of reactions and people change their views as time goes by.
I still have many of my ex-colleagues on facebook and on IM, and we talk occasionally. Most people get over the fact that a job is still a job. It’s not like Bobby running away from home.
This time though, I took more effort to manage my personal and professional relationships about my resignation.
Tell your managers ahead of time
Firstly, the moment I made the decision to leave, I told my line manager and my CEO about it, months ahead in advance. I know this doesn’t play well with everyone, but I’ve always managed the relationships with my line manager and my CEO to be able to do this. I feel it’s only important to take responsibility for the company’s needs and its people. This is because most HR departments are mostly a function of finance.
I was a senior member in the team, so losing me would mean a gap in the leadership and technical lead area. Still, they didn’t counter offer me anything, but I did get friendly support on my decision.
This is what it’s like to manage your own career, which is how it’s like in most companies
You’re expected to make your own choices, and unless a specific culture or policy has been put in place, communicated, and encouraged, it’s a norm for people to make up their minds to just get their work done, go home, come back the next day to do the same thing.
Prioritize your relationships accordingly
Secondly, the sequence of which I informed people of my resignation was based on my relationship with them. This depended on their authority, how close I was to the person, and on circumstances. Bosses and managers came first. People who were close to me came next. Next were people who worked with me on a project that had a stake in my work. After that came the rest of the team, and then the whole world (which is why I’m writing now).
Some say it’s politics. Some say it’s being nice. I just think it’s important.
Invest in people
I didn’t do this for my first job because I was a noob, but relationships will become more important than a resumes as years pass. Even LinkedIn CEO Dan Nye says this.
Thirdly, I told people why I was leaving. I’ve been accepted to pursue a Masters in HCI in the UK. There are many good reasons for me to do this, so when people asked, I told them. This was okay because I wasn’t going to a competitor firm, and it made sense.
People want the comfort of understanding that their decisions are sound
Almost everyone I spoke to understood my conviction and supported my decision to leave. They also clarified their own positions and didn’t feel threatened by my departure.
No employee should be afraid to leave a job for the right reasons. If it’s well-managed, it can be beneficial and amicable. You just need the right perspective and some effort.
Resources:
If you liked what you read, consider subscribing.
July 21st, 2008 §
Challenging other people’s assumptions through confrontation can get really messy and ugly, but it’s necessary sometimes. I’ve braved confrontation many times before, but each time I do it it’s like walking into a landmine.
This weekend I decided to confront my wife (again). This time it was about her contribution to a side-project we’re working on, where I expected a bit more ownership from the team members. My wife insisted that I specified clearly what I wanted, and that she would do the work accordingly.
I raised my voice and mentioned the dozens of times I sent out emails and verbalized the need for her to go in and comment on the documentation that was in draft form, and realized that she was actually talking about summarizing it down to work tasks in small, do-able chunks – and hence minimizing the need to think too much.
I was close to spitting expletives, with my parents at the front of the car and my sister sitting next to me.
The misunderstanding, I feel, wasn’t a misunderstanding at all – but a difference in priorities. In this project, I am the sole member of the team with any real interest in the project, and the other two guys are sort of just there.
My problem is that I expect people to take ownership. I don’t like bossing people around. I expect people to think independently and creatively to contribute with an opinion. I feel that opinions are something a lot of people are particularly bad at. Not because they don’t voice out, but because they can’t carve an argument out for nuts.
And that, really, is what confrontation is all about.
Confrontation is talking to other people to tease out details of information necessary to get the work done. It is a tiresome task, but it is important and necessary. Work often doesn’t get done without confrontation.
Next time you are faced with a situation where you’re part of a team, and there’s a piece of work that needs to be done but it’s not being assigned to anyone, your team may be in need of some real confrontation. Here’s some quick tips on how to make it a bit easier:
1. Find out exactly what work needs to be done
Most people take the easy jobs, because it’s measurable and provides a sense of satisfaction when people get it done. People avoid work that’s ambiguous and has no clear definition or starting point. Unfortunately, not all work is black and white. So, you and your team members will need to address the ambiguous parts of the work, and make it crystal clear.
For me, things were not so simple, because we had started from a clean slate. There were no rules, no templates, and we were still discussing details. I decided the only way to start was to start writing things down.
2. Specify things clearly
The way to reduce the gray areas was for me to write everything down – every single detail, problem or idea that came into my head. I took up ownership first, and made sure that there was some documentation to begin with.
Confrontation requires context. People need to understand exactly what you’re talking about. And if they don’t hear you say it, they should know where to find the missing details. Either that, or it should already be obvious. Maybe you don’t have to write things down, but you may need to explain things clearly.
For me, the next part was even harder – getting people to take ownership of the document.
3. Educate
Next, I had to explain to everyone where I was coming from, what the point of the documentation was, and why it was so important. The reason why the ideas and thoughts and problems in written form were so important was because we didn’t have anything before. I didn’t want to go in circles. If there was an idea, I didn’t want it to be repeated. I thought this was the best way to get things done.
But it didn’t mean that the others would think the same way.
Sometimes confrontation is a lot about agreeing to understand each other’s point of view, and using it as a basis for reasoning out the problems. Sometimes they’re incongruent, and people stick to their side of the fence. But that’s better than not having talked about it.
At least now my wife and my friend have a better understanding of where I’m coming from. They don’t have an opinion, so they’ve decided to go with what we have now, and work it out from there.
I don’t know which part of the dark ages we’d be living in if I had assumed things.
If you liked what you read, consider subscribing.
July 2nd, 2008 §
I opted out of a fulfilling career in the United States in exchange for a fulfilling relationship with my wife in marriage. My long term goal is that we are able to enjoy each other in the company of things we enjoy doing together.
The sacrifice I made was not a complete exchange, but a re-prioritization of my goals. Of course I wanted a fulfilling career. Of course I wanted to work in Chicago. Of course I wanted to earn 3.8 times more than what folks were being paid back home.
But I know that some relationships are worth keeping more than other life goals, and being Asian, our careers tend to take a backseat.
I have to admit I was naive about the work conditions in Malaysia, and how poorly paid software workers are, and how my overall experience was not beneficial to me in the long run. But this was sustainable because of my relationship with my wife.
Now, 6 years and 3 jobs later, I’m reassessing my life goals, and finding that Malaysia’s software industry moves at a pace that’s too slow for my liking. They work hard, but move slow. I don’t particularly like that very much.
My wife is going through a similar process right now. In fact, she sacrificed a lot more to find a job she really enjoys, and that was only possible because I’ve been supporting her through this process.
She’s gone from a high-paying low-interest bank job to a challenging insurance sales job and now to a low-paying but enjoyable children’s art business development job. She says she now enjoys the work apart from the pay, but the pay is becoming an increasingly important factor.
Looking at what we enjoy doing together for the future, and comparing it to what we have on hand – it’s becoming more unlikely that we’ll be able to achieve that in the short-term.
We’re both clear on what we want:
- A sustainable and enjoyable marriage
- To enjoy doing certain things together – traveling alone together, for one
- A healthy cash-flow
- The freedom and safety to manage and enjoy a family
- A satisfying career
I’m having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing and the career thing. She’s having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing.
This makes the whole picture look incomplete and that’s not good. But it’s sustainable – and that’s how the marriage has helped us both. When things are sustainable, we’re able to make choices about our lives. It’s like steering a boat together. It takes time and a lot of sharing.
Marriage has helped us through both of our careers because we’ve looked out for one another. We care a lot for each other because we share the same goals. To me, this is one ideal environment for someone who wants this kind of work-life balance. And it’s not just for the both of us.
Either that, or I’m too chicken to lose out on a great relationship.
Resources:
If you liked what you read, consider subscribing.
