How Marriage has Helped my Career

July 2nd, 2008 § 1

I opted out of a fulfilling career in the United States in exchange for a fulfilling relationship with my wife in marriage. My long term goal is that we are able to enjoy each other in the company of things we enjoy doing together.

The sacrifice I made was not a complete exchange, but a re-prioritization of my goals. Of course I wanted a fulfilling career. Of course I wanted to work in Chicago. Of course I wanted to earn 3.8 times more than what folks were being paid back home.

But I know that some relationships are worth keeping more than other life goals, and being Asian, our careers tend to take a backseat.

I have to admit I was naive about the work conditions in Malaysia, and how poorly paid software workers are, and how my overall experience was not beneficial to me in the long run. But this was sustainable because of my relationship with my wife.

Now, 6 years and 3 jobs later, I’m reassessing my life goals, and finding that Malaysia’s software industry moves at a pace that’s too slow for my liking. They work hard, but move slow. I don’t particularly like that very much.

My wife is going through a similar process right now. In fact, she sacrificed a lot more to find a job she really enjoys, and that was only possible because I’ve been supporting her through this process.

She’s gone from a high-paying low-interest bank job to a challenging insurance sales job and now to a low-paying but enjoyable children’s art business development job. She says she now enjoys the work apart from the pay, but the pay is becoming an increasingly important factor.

Looking at what we enjoy doing together for the future, and comparing it to what we have on hand – it’s becoming more unlikely that we’ll be able to achieve that in the short-term.

We’re both clear on what we want:

  1. A sustainable and enjoyable marriage
  2. To enjoy doing certain things together – traveling alone together, for one
  3. A healthy cash-flow
  4. The freedom and safety to manage and enjoy a family
  5. A satisfying career

I’m having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing and the career thing. She’s having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing.

This makes the whole picture look incomplete and that’s not good. But it’s sustainable – and that’s how the marriage has helped us both. When things are sustainable, we’re able to make choices about our lives. It’s like steering a boat together. It takes time and a lot of sharing.

Marriage has helped us through both of our careers because we’ve looked out for one another. We care a lot for each other because we share the same goals. To me, this is one ideal environment for someone who wants this kind of work-life balance. And it’s not just for the both of us.

Either that, or I’m too chicken to lose out on a great relationship.

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Pre-marital counseling is a necessity

June 2nd, 2008 § 2

This isn’t a unhappy husband post. Far from it. It’s honest advice about marriage, and an indifferent response I got from a friend of mine suggested that most people think counseling are for screw-ups and losers (and Christians – I know this is a derogatory term to some).

They’re not.

Marriage counseling is like psychographic and psychometric tests that everyone seems to get so addicted about. It can be really fun and really serious at the same time. It can be really sexy because it allows the couple to have an honest look at each other and be open about themselves for once.

There are many types of pre-marital counseling, and I have no idea what they’re all like. In my session, we both went through the Taylor Johnson psychometric tests. I was already familiar with my Myers-Briggs type, and I was keen on understanding my wife’s profile. Understanding my partner is really sexy and it’s great to talk about our differences and similarities over and over again. It’s one of those things my wife and I talk about a lot.

Of course, if one or both parties had lots of things to hide, that might be the end of the relationship altogether – but better earlier than never. That doesn’t mean you have to reveal everything to each other, but sometimes sneaky things happen – like learning she never really wanted to have children in the first place… stuff like that.

We did discuss 5-year and 10-year plans about our potential marriage. We even discussed careers, family, finances, friends, and the lot. Having a 3rd party there (our cell pastor) really helped. It doesn’t always have to be someone elder/wiser who knows you. It could be a certified counselor, and I know folks who make a living doing that and they’re really good at it.

We talked about how I wanted a fulfilling career, and that we both sort of wanted children in 5 years, and that I might want to further my education. We also discussed my propensity to be glued to the computer, and her inability to determine a goal in life. We discussed our parents, and how both families might get along. We discussed money. We discussed having a place of our own.

It’s funny, but these are issues we’re still discussing today, so I’m glad we started then!

This is our 3rd year of marriage, and we’ve been through good and bad times – but I think having the sessions really helped a bunch. It helped cement our ideals in one place, and everything else has been about going back to that and being honest with ourselves.

Those few short sessions helped shape everything – careers, relationships, aspirations, health. You’ll need it when you get there.

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