Is networking with other people really hard or are people just saying that for the heck of it?

I’m past term one at school, and of course we’re not in undergraduate school anymore. Everyone here has a mindset of getting a job or getting a better job. So why can’t some folks shake off the idea that you do meet people in the workplace and that it’s just not that hard?

Anyway, I’m not that great in networking, but I’m not adverse to it. But maybe what I think about might help some of you who think it’s all about ‘fitting in’ and practising your lines.

It’s not about you

Firstly, networking isn’t just about you. It’s about other people, too. People talk because it fills a need. Look at it as charity – you’re giving someone an opportunity to have a conversation. You just happen to be there, and you’re there to offer an ear. In return for that, people might start relationships with you. Some may not. But it’s not a guarantee. It never is. Don’t sweat it. Just go with the flow. It’s not like you’re being selfish or anything.

Make use of the opportunities

“Get out and meet people” means going on Meetup.com and looking to see what’s happening locally around you. Or getting on LinkedIn and finding someone local who has similar interests. Find something in common. It’s just easier to get in touch with someone that way. And don’t just single out the ones you want for a job, or a mentor, or job advice. Do it for your hobbies too. Or your community. Make it a habit. No, make it a lifestyle. It’s one of those things you don’t have to finish overnight. You can start something, wait awhile, start something else… and see what happens along the way. But you need to step a little further out of your comfort zone.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing

Ok, so you’ve poked all of your facebook contacts, posted New Year greetings on their Walls, commented half a dozen questions on LinkedIn, volunteered for a project on an online community. Why is everyone still so quiet?

Sometimes, people take time to read their emails. They go for vacations. They might not be in the mood for facebook. Whatever the reason, it’s not your fault. Unless you’ve turned yourself into a psychotic stalker, you haven’t done anything wrong. Just relax and get on with your life. Maybe there’s a movie you’ve always wanted to watch, or you could catch up on that novel that’s been sitting there for months.

You’ll start to notice things come back round. It might not take off right away, but folks will remember you. Then the cycle starts again.

Ok, but what I really want is a [insert need here]

You want a job. You want more sales leads. Or a girlfriend. Whatever.

The best thing to do at this point is not to think too much. Keep your options open, and vary your methods a little. Instead of posting on Facebook all the time, try a different bunch of social circles. I’ve found really great ones I’ve build networks on in the user experience field from Meetup.com, even from blogs or google groups. I’ve found photography groups I might plugged into in the future. Some people post out shouts on magazines or newspapers – you could try looking into the dailies for a change. One of the jobs I’m really thankful for was found on gumtree, an online trading post like craigslist – and the people I work with are really fantastic. You’ll never know what you’ll find.

But I’ve heard stories about…

It’s true. You do get oddballs out there. There’s some advice out there about how to keep your distance. That’s especially true if you’re in a vulnerable position. Sometimes, doing it with a friend helps. Or meeting in a very public place. Keeping tabs of what personal information you give out is important too. Learn more about privacy settings on Facebook and LinkedIn. Keep personal information to friends and family only. Email is fine – you can always treat malicious emails as spam. But networking’s not worth avoiding altogether for the chance of meeting a goof. Most people don’t end up that way, anyway.

So, what are you waiting for?

I would admit it feels really frustrating to be in the Dip.

So here’s the thing about mentoring. I’ve read a lot about how necessary they are. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I have one. Which means I’ve pulled myself ahead just this far, with just enough help from some people.

Only two or three people come to mind. The first is Jian, my ex-colleague and then team leader for a project that sent me to Bangkok for three weeks. We got along very well and we’re still close friends to today.

Every major decision I made in my career went through Jian, who’s a little more senior than me. He provided advice where necessary and listened when I talked. I felt that having someone who listens helps a lot. Not many people will give you time like that.

The other person is my cell pastor, Koon Hee. He provided me a lot of support and insight into the necessary things in life – marriage, finances, goals, promotions, etc. He didn’t have to understand the work I was doing. This is why career advice applies to almost any kind of job.

His advice was a lot more important than what bosses will talk to you about – the finer things in life. Careers are a reflection of a person’s life, and that life is filled with other things that make it complete. This is why joining a good church helps.

The last person is Charles, an ex-colleague who shares similar values, and strangely, we discovered each other while blogging. I found out that he’s been so much ahead of the game than I have, and yet… the issues we’re both working through still remain the same. Finances, relationships, careers, goals, etc. Of course, he has a lot more “war stories” than I have, and that’s what I admire in him – he walks the talk.

Authenticity is a hard game to play, and nobody plays to win. It’s about achieving dreams, and the stories we gain from it. It’s so hard that only a select few play it, but those who do live very interesting lives that are second to none.

Charles is that sort of person. He’s not a pop star. He’s not on the front page news. He’s not a multi-billion dollar CEO. But he’s bigger than life, to me at least, and I can speak to him any time of the day. That’s real, and precious, in a way.

Good mentors aren’t bought. They’re found. Relationships like these need investment, as they’re real people. As real as you are. In order to find them, you have to communicate yourself as a brand. In fact, you won’t need so much to find them, as they’ll find you. All you have to do is to continue pushing the boundaries of life, and making yourself available to people. You’ll never know who might find you something worthy of an investment.

Resources:

• The Dip: A Little Book That Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick)
• Have respect for those who came before…
• The Value of Naturally Developed Mentorship
• Job hunt tip: The mentor matters more than the company
• Six Habits of Highly Effective Mentees
• You need a mentor now; here’s how to get one

If you liked this post, consider subscribing.

My first resignation was extremely low-key. I didn’t tell anyone short of one or two people, until the very last day. One person in particular got offended that I didn’t tell her I was leaving. She saw it as indifference, and that she was a nobody to me, although we got along OK at work. I told her that she didn’t get singled out, since I told almost no one about it, but I also apologized for any ill feelings. The rest didn’t care that much.

My second resignation took place in light of a downsizing exercise of the startup company I was working for. Although the company prepared new roles for us at an affiliated company, I wasn’t the only person leaving. But when I told my boss about it, he was concerned and asked me a lot of questions. The others were mostly silent. But everyone understood and supported my transition.

Resignations are about managing relationships

I don’t think I’ve ever burned a bridge before in my life, but I’ve dealt with all sorts of reactions and people change their views as time goes by.

I still have many of my ex-colleagues on facebook and on IM, and we talk occasionally. Most people get over the fact that a job is still a job. It’s not like Bobby running away from home.

This time though, I took more effort to manage my personal and professional relationships about my resignation.

Tell your managers ahead of time

Firstly, the moment I made the decision to leave, I told my line manager and my CEO about it, months ahead in advance. I know this doesn’t play well with everyone, but I’ve always managed the relationships with my line manager and my CEO to be able to do this. I feel it’s only important to take responsibility for the company’s needs and its people. This is because most HR departments are mostly a function of finance.

I was a senior member in the team, so losing me would mean a gap in the leadership and technical lead area. Still, they didn’t counter offer me anything, but I did get friendly support on my decision.

This is what it’s like to manage your own career, which is how it’s like in most companies

You’re expected to make your own choices, and unless a specific culture or policy has been put in place, communicated, and encouraged, it’s a norm for people to make up their minds to just get their work done, go home, come back the next day to do the same thing.

Prioritize your relationships accordingly

Secondly, the sequence of which I informed people of my resignation was based on my relationship with them. This depended on their authority, how close I was to the person, and on circumstances. Bosses and managers came first. People who were close to me came next. Next were people who worked with me on a project that had a stake in my work. After that came the rest of the team, and then the whole world (which is why I’m writing now).

Some say it’s politics. Some say it’s being nice. I just think it’s important.

Invest in people

I didn’t do this for my first job because I was a noob, but relationships will become more important than a resumes as years pass. Even LinkedIn CEO Dan Nye says this.

Thirdly, I told people why I was leaving. I’ve been accepted to pursue a Masters in HCI in the UK. There are many good reasons for me to do this, so when people asked, I told them. This was okay because I wasn’t going to a competitor firm, and it made sense.

People want the comfort of understanding that their decisions are sound

Almost everyone I spoke to understood my conviction and supported my decision to leave. They also clarified their own positions and didn’t feel threatened by my departure.

No employee should be afraid to leave a job for the right reasons. If it’s well-managed, it can be beneficial and amicable. You just need the right perspective and some effort.

Resources:

• How to be a star performer: 4 things to get good at

• Office politics is about being nice

• 6 Signs You Don’t Care about Workers
• How to quit a job: 5 steps and 2 warnings

• 9 tips for quitting a job gracefully

If you liked what you read, consider subscribing.

This weekend I decided to confront my wife (again). This time it was about her contribution to a side-project we’re working on, where I expected a bit more ownership from the team members. My wife insisted that I specified clearly what I wanted, and that she would do the work accordingly.

I raised my voice and mentioned the dozens of times I sent out emails and verbalized the need for her to go in and comment on the documentation that was in draft form, and realized that she was actually talking about summarizing it down to work tasks in small, do-able chunks – and hence minimizing the need to think too much.

I was close to spitting expletives, with my parents at the front of the car and my sister sitting next to me.

The misunderstanding, I feel, wasn’t a misunderstanding at all – but a difference in priorities. In this project, I am the sole member of the team with any real interest in the project, and the other two guys are sort of just there.

My problem is that I expect people to take ownership. I don’t like bossing people around. I expect people to think independently and creatively to contribute with an opinion. I feel that opinions are something a lot of people are particularly bad at. Not because they don’t voice out, but because they can’t carve an argument out for nuts.

And that, really, is what confrontation is all about.

Confrontation is talking to other people to tease out details of information necessary to get the work done. It is a tiresome task, but it is important and necessary. Work often doesn’t get done without confrontation.

Next time you are faced with a situation where you’re part of a team, and there’s a piece of work that needs to be done but it’s not being assigned to anyone, your team may be in need of some real confrontation. Here’s some quick tips on how to make it a bit easier:

1. Find out exactly what work needs to be done

Most people take the easy jobs, because it’s measurable and provides a sense of satisfaction when people get it done. People avoid work that’s ambiguous and has no clear definition or starting point. Unfortunately, not all work is black and white. So, you and your team members will need to address the ambiguous parts of the work, and make it crystal clear.

For me, things were not so simple, because we had started from a clean slate. There were no rules, no templates, and we were still discussing details. I decided the only way to start was to start writing things down.

2. Specify things clearly

The way to reduce the gray areas was for me to write everything down – every single detail, problem or idea that came into my head. I took up ownership first, and made sure that there was some documentation to begin with.

Confrontation requires context. People need to understand exactly what you’re talking about. And if they don’t hear you say it, they should know where to find the missing details. Either that, or it should already be obvious. Maybe you don’t have to write things down, but you may need to explain things clearly.

For me, the next part was even harder – getting people to take ownership of the document.

3. Educate

Next, I had to explain to everyone where I was coming from, what the point of the documentation was, and why it was so important. The reason why the ideas and thoughts and problems in written form were so important was because we didn’t have anything before. I didn’t want to go in circles. If there was an idea, I didn’t want it to be repeated. I thought this was the best way to get things done.

But it didn’t mean that the others would think the same way.

Sometimes confrontation is a lot about agreeing to understand each other’s point of view, and using it as a basis for reasoning out the problems. Sometimes they’re incongruent, and people stick to their side of the fence. But that’s better than not having talked about it.

At least now my wife and my friend have a better understanding of where I’m coming from. They don’t have an opinion, so they’ve decided to go with what we have now, and work it out from there.

I don’t know which part of the dark ages we’d be living in if I had assumed things.

If you liked what you read, consider subscribing.

The sacrifice I made was not a complete exchange, but a re-prioritization of my goals. Of course I wanted a fulfilling career. Of course I wanted to work in Chicago. Of course I wanted to earn 3.8 times more than what folks were being paid back home.

But I know that some relationships are worth keeping more than other life goals, and being Asian, our careers tend to take a backseat.

I have to admit I was naive about the work conditions in Malaysia, and how poorly paid software workers are, and how my overall experience was not beneficial to me in the long run. But this was sustainable because of my relationship with my wife.

Now, 6 years and 3 jobs later, I’m reassessing my life goals, and finding that Malaysia’s software industry moves at a pace that’s too slow for my liking. They work hard, but move slow. I don’t particularly like that very much.

My wife is going through a similar process right now. In fact, she sacrificed a lot more to find a job she really enjoys, and that was only possible because I’ve been supporting her through this process.

She’s gone from a high-paying low-interest bank job to a challenging insurance sales job and now to a low-paying but enjoyable children’s art business development job. She says she now enjoys the work apart from the pay, but the pay is becoming an increasingly important factor.

Looking at what we enjoy doing together for the future, and comparing it to what we have on hand – it’s becoming more unlikely that we’ll be able to achieve that in the short-term.

We’re both clear on what we want:

1. A sustainable and enjoyable marriage
2. To enjoy doing certain things together – traveling alone together, for one
3. A healthy cash-flow
4. The freedom and safety to manage and enjoy a family
5. A satisfying career

I’m having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing and the career thing. She’s having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing.

This makes the whole picture look incomplete and that’s not good. But it’s sustainable – and that’s how the marriage has helped us both. When things are sustainable, we’re able to make choices about our lives. It’s like steering a boat together. It takes time and a lot of sharing.

Marriage has helped us through both of our careers because we’ve looked out for one another. We care a lot for each other because we share the same goals. To me, this is one ideal environment for someone who wants this kind of work-life balance. And it’s not just for the both of us.

Either that, or I’m too chicken to lose out on a great relationship.

Resources:

• Beware of burnout – Take the test (Penelope Trunk)
• Your significant other can teach you workplace skills (Penelope Trunk)
• How much money do you need to be happy? Hint: Your sex life matters more (Penelope Trunk)
• How to set marriage goals (Associated Press)

If you liked what you read, consider subscribing.

Selling without a price helped me a lot. I forced me to understand what the audience wanted, instead of assuming right off the bat. I also had the freedom to explain what we were actually promoting, instead of focusing on demo features.

Engaging the audience

Public speaking is not like regular talk. At different points in the presentation, I had to ask my audience what industry they were in, their experiences related to the demo, more or less trying to tease out who they were and why they were at my booth. I did that by making a guess, and by asking generic questions like “what industry are you based in?”. I also made it a point to introduce myself and what the booth was all about. Like I said, most people expect a point of sale, but I had to clarify it wasn’t.

Comfort zones

To me, public speaking isn’t really about coming out of a comfort zone as it is trying to find a new one. You see, once you get the hang of speaking to a stranger, you can speak to ANY stranger. Because strangers will start to look pretty much alike. Sure, it hurts to look stupid when you fumble over lines and such. Maybe you can do what I did – do away with lines altogether. Ask real questions, like, what does the audience want? Who am I to the audience? Stuff that you usually don’t ask yourself, because it’s too common sense.

Surprise yourself

There’s no way you can guarantee a sale. You can only find out who’s interested in what you’re talking about. Which is why people are prepared to pay the cost of a sale, which is the cost of doing the talking. You never know when you’ll make a connection until you start talking.

I surprised myself when people I thought had absolutely no reason for being at the booth signed up for more information about our program. They would not have signed up if I had not explained to them the gist of what the booth was about. And even though I didn’t walk them through the demo, they signed up anyway.

Screw the process

This totally screwed up the “process”, which was to draw in the crowd using the demos, then convince them to sign up for more information. When I explained the idea to them, who I was as a presenter, and asked them about their background, I had a far better response than trying to tease them in with fancy features. Of course, the demos were necessary, it created the perfect backdrop to the conversation. But it’s never the centerpiece of the show. The presenter controls the show, and the audience navigates through the messages.

Don’t lose the plot

It’s always okay to “just present the demo”, and not explain the purpose behind the show. People will sit and listen for entertainment’s sake. They’ll let you finish your sentence. They’ll be nice. But you’ll lose the plot. You’ll go back, asking yourself, what in the world was that all about, and so will your audience. The audiences’ response may not match up to expectations, but don’t ever lose the plot.

If you liked this article, consider subscribing to the blog.