September 13th, 2009 §
The Loneliness of Enduring a Change
I met an old friend for lunch today. She was talking about making a big change in her life, and we were talking about how scary that whole process is. We talked a long time about the sort of ups and downs you go through when you make big changes like that – the fear of being alienated, of making the wrong choices, of not knowing exactly what to do, but more importantly – doing it alone.
Making these big changes in our lives, as we were brought up to value stable jobs and live comfortably, is akin to abandoning our roots, values, and partly, the security of the family community. While this isn’t ostracism, the abandonment comes from a lack of understanding – family and friends just don’t know what in the world we’re getting into and can’t give us the guidance, mentorship and support we really need. It’s not that they won’t – they just can’t.
And it’s just not about money or a place to stay. It big hurdle about surviving a change is the rite of passage that you need to go through to get started, establish yourself in a new place, and finally succeed.
Change Hurts
When I made a decision to leave a comfortable life in Malaysia, I got really depressed and my wife had to push me to get the visa done because I did not have the energy to do it myself. It was depressing selling away all the IKEA furniture that I painstakingly and lovingly bought and put together, some not even a year old. The worst was seeing the lovely Edefors oak table being draped by my wife’s grandmother with a plastic tablecloth to “protect” it – a very Asian thing.
Needless to say, it was sad to see my friends and family for the last time. I wasn’t sure how to react – how do you put on a face in front of some of your closest mates and tell them you’re leaving for good? Everything had to be done fast so I didn’t have time. What time I had, we just spent like good old days having meals and good laughs. Through all this, we had our visa turned down once and my wife and I had several arguments in the heat of anxiety. It wasn’t the best of times.
Yes, once the apartment and furniture was sold off, a big burden had lifted off. We were elated when my course acceptance came in the mail in the nick of time. We knew we had friends and relatives in London who were welcoming us with open arms. We knew and loved the city. I was excited about the course, and the possibilities. We felt God’s peace and felt that it was the right thing to do. But it was still a painful process – I have the memories of those things we went through, a testament of our journey.
I Network out of the Need to Survive
At times like these, real and authentic relationships were the only thing that got me back up and running. I could’ve said we survived on dreams and inspirations, or on the timely opportunities of job offers, or on the creature comforts like having our own accommodation. But friendships and precious encounters I’ve had from meeting like-minded people – people who share the same vision and goal – are the sorts of things that plant my feet firmly here in London: family, friends, coursemates, new friends I’ve met from the industry, colleagues.
Thinking back – these relationships didn’t just fall into my lap. Some relationships happened only because I went out and searched for it. Some took a lot more effort and time. But I knew that I needed it in order to survive. And that’s what change does to you.
Change forces you to take hold of what you need most in order to survive for the long run. It’s like being stranded on an island and re-learning the fundamentals all over again – what it really means to live. I don’t simply talk about the people I’ve met and how things “worked out” for me – as though others should try networking like it was putting on a new pair of jeans. These people mean much more to me than just opportunities.
You can tell yourself all you want about how inauthentic networking can be and how artificial that whole experience feels. Or, you can tell yourself that it sucks being alone with your ideas and that you need genuine relationships and genuine conversations over things that you really do care about.
For me, I did it because I knew no other way.
February 1st, 2009 §
I’ve been on Twitter for awhile now but I’ve only started using it extensively as a:
- social graphing tool
- messaging tool
- friending tool
Twitter works best in two ways:
- avid follower
- ambient intimacy (credits to Cennydd Bowles for introducing the term to me)
Avid Follower
An avid follower is someone who uses Twitter to see what other interesting people are up to. Recently, a massive surve of celebrities have hopped onto the twitter bandwagon, creating what seems to be a tipping-point of the phenomenon. But that’s twitter for the mainstream. Consider specific industries, especially the web-related ones. Twitter is really great for getting to know prominent leaders in the field, and for getting the latest scoop about stuff around their lives.
Ambient Intimacy
Twitter is also great for folks who want to keep track of each other’s activities. I know it sounds a lot like Facebook, but it’s harder to add someone to your facebook account that you don’t know. With twitter, there’s less problems because it doesn’t reveal a lot about you. People who choose to follow you on twitter should already know who you are, by trusting what you have already published online, or by your twitter history.
It’s for that conference meet-up where you met someone but didn’t want to send emails to over and over again, or that pub meet where you wanted to find out more about the speaker who gave an interesting presentation.
It’s also useful for self-organized groups, such as volunteer groups or charities, where everyone does their own thing, but comes together once in awhile to do something. It’s easy to pick up on a conversation from a Twitter post at the next meetup.
Twitter works for me
I’ve found Twitter to be beneficial for me in the following ways:
- exchanging ideas with people from the user experience industry
- finding out the latest news or events
- exploring opportunities offered by people that I’m following (jobs, promos, offers, etc.)
Some people use twitter for social accountability, or as a to-do list. Some applications extend their functionality with twitter as an alert tool – rememberthemilk is one of them.
But you already knew that.
What you may not know is how fast I can get to know people on twitter, which helps to break down the ice when I speak to people or want to build on relationships.
I recently volunteered for a project involving some really fantastic people in the user experience industry. It was really hard at first to speak up, especially when I consider my relative lack of experience in the field – but because everyone encouraged each other to connect via twitter, I am starting to get to know these individuals a bit better, even though we’ve never met in person.
Filling the gaps
Twitter isn’t a substitute for real face-to-face relationships, but it does fill some gaps – especially in between times when you don’t meet face-to-face with people. It makes sense for some of us who are really busy but still want to maintain good relationships, and for those of us who want to build relationships that cross physical barriers.
I don’t think calling Twitter a “micro-blogging” platform does it justice – simply because people tend to think of it as a small blog. It’s not quite that. There are a lot of things that tend to be published on blogs require more than the 140 character limit that’s placed on each tweet, and people just don’t understand why they would want to blog about walking their dog or eating a sandwich.
So, coming back to the ‘ambient intimacy’ term – I believe it’s really all about that “gap” of relationships you wanted to address – people who you want to build a relationships with or get to know, who aren’t as accessible.
With all that said, I’m looking to meet new people: http://twitter.com/jaremfan
January 10th, 2009 §
I’ve not been posting in awhile because I’ve been swamped with work leading up to Christmas, and I had to take a break for awhile – even my other blogs have been suffering. I’ve been busy taking photographs of day trips into the city, but I just wanted to post some thoughts that had been bothering me.
Is networking with other people really hard or are people just saying that for the heck of it?
I’m past term one at school, and of course we’re not in undergraduate school anymore. Everyone here has a mindset of getting a job or getting a better job. So why can’t some folks shake off the idea that you do meet people in the workplace and that it’s just not that hard?
Anyway, I’m not that great in networking, but I’m not adverse to it. But maybe what I think about might help some of you who think it’s all about ‘fitting in’ and practising your lines.
It’s not about you
Firstly, networking isn’t just about you. It’s about other people, too. People talk because it fills a need. Look at it as charity – you’re giving someone an opportunity to have a conversation. You just happen to be there, and you’re there to offer an ear. In return for that, people might start relationships with you. Some may not. But it’s not a guarantee. It never is. Don’t sweat it. Just go with the flow. It’s not like you’re being selfish or anything.
Make use of the opportunities
“Get out and meet people” means going on Meetup.com and looking to see what’s happening locally around you. Or getting on LinkedIn and finding someone local who has similar interests. Find something in common. It’s just easier to get in touch with someone that way. And don’t just single out the ones you want for a job, or a mentor, or job advice. Do it for your hobbies too. Or your community. Make it a habit. No, make it a lifestyle. It’s one of those things you don’t have to finish overnight. You can start something, wait awhile, start something else… and see what happens along the way. But you need to step a little further out of your comfort zone.
Sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing
Ok, so you’ve poked all of your facebook contacts, posted New Year greetings on their Walls, commented half a dozen questions on LinkedIn, volunteered for a project on an online community. Why is everyone still so quiet?
Sometimes, people take time to read their emails. They go for vacations. They might not be in the mood for facebook. Whatever the reason, it’s not your fault. Unless you’ve turned yourself into a psychotic stalker, you haven’t done anything wrong. Just relax and get on with your life. Maybe there’s a movie you’ve always wanted to watch, or you could catch up on that novel that’s been sitting there for months.
You’ll start to notice things come back round. It might not take off right away, but folks will remember you. Then the cycle starts again.
Ok, but what I really want is a [insert need here]
You want a job. You want more sales leads. Or a girlfriend. Whatever.
The best thing to do at this point is not to think too much. Keep your options open, and vary your methods a little. Instead of posting on Facebook all the time, try a different bunch of social circles. I’ve found really great ones I’ve build networks on in the user experience field from Meetup.com, even from blogs or google groups. I’ve found photography groups I might plugged into in the future. Some people post out shouts on magazines or newspapers – you could try looking into the dailies for a change. One of the jobs I’m really thankful for was found on gumtree, an online trading post like craigslist – and the people I work with are really fantastic. You’ll never know what you’ll find.
But I’ve heard stories about…
It’s true. You do get oddballs out there. There’s some advice out there about how to keep your distance. That’s especially true if you’re in a vulnerable position. Sometimes, doing it with a friend helps. Or meeting in a very public place. Keeping tabs of what personal information you give out is important too. Learn more about privacy settings on Facebook and LinkedIn. Keep personal information to friends and family only. Email is fine – you can always treat malicious emails as spam. But networking’s not worth avoiding altogether for the chance of meeting a goof. Most people don’t end up that way, anyway.
So, what are you waiting for?
July 23rd, 2008 §
Today, I officially announced my resignation to my colleagues at our weekly team meeting. Resignations don’t take me by surprise, because people come and go all the time. What surprises me more is how people react differently to departures.
My first resignation was extremely low-key. I didn’t tell anyone short of one or two people, until the very last day. One person in particular got offended that I didn’t tell her I was leaving. She saw it as indifference, and that she was a nobody to me, although we got along OK at work. I told her that she didn’t get singled out, since I told almost no one about it, but I also apologized for any ill feelings. The rest didn’t care that much.
My second resignation took place in light of a downsizing exercise of the startup company I was working for. Although the company prepared new roles for us at an affiliated company, I wasn’t the only person leaving. But when I told my boss about it, he was concerned and asked me a lot of questions. The others were mostly silent. But everyone understood and supported my transition.
Resignations are about managing relationships
I don’t think I’ve ever burned a bridge before in my life, but I’ve dealt with all sorts of reactions and people change their views as time goes by.
I still have many of my ex-colleagues on facebook and on IM, and we talk occasionally. Most people get over the fact that a job is still a job. It’s not like Bobby running away from home.
This time though, I took more effort to manage my personal and professional relationships about my resignation.
Tell your managers ahead of time
Firstly, the moment I made the decision to leave, I told my line manager and my CEO about it, months ahead in advance. I know this doesn’t play well with everyone, but I’ve always managed the relationships with my line manager and my CEO to be able to do this. I feel it’s only important to take responsibility for the company’s needs and its people. This is because most HR departments are mostly a function of finance.
I was a senior member in the team, so losing me would mean a gap in the leadership and technical lead area. Still, they didn’t counter offer me anything, but I did get friendly support on my decision.
This is what it’s like to manage your own career, which is how it’s like in most companies
You’re expected to make your own choices, and unless a specific culture or policy has been put in place, communicated, and encouraged, it’s a norm for people to make up their minds to just get their work done, go home, come back the next day to do the same thing.
Prioritize your relationships accordingly
Secondly, the sequence of which I informed people of my resignation was based on my relationship with them. This depended on their authority, how close I was to the person, and on circumstances. Bosses and managers came first. People who were close to me came next. Next were people who worked with me on a project that had a stake in my work. After that came the rest of the team, and then the whole world (which is why I’m writing now).
Some say it’s politics. Some say it’s being nice. I just think it’s important.
Invest in people
I didn’t do this for my first job because I was a noob, but relationships will become more important than a resumes as years pass. Even LinkedIn CEO Dan Nye says this.
Thirdly, I told people why I was leaving. I’ve been accepted to pursue a Masters in HCI in the UK. There are many good reasons for me to do this, so when people asked, I told them. This was okay because I wasn’t going to a competitor firm, and it made sense.
People want the comfort of understanding that their decisions are sound
Almost everyone I spoke to understood my conviction and supported my decision to leave. They also clarified their own positions and didn’t feel threatened by my departure.
No employee should be afraid to leave a job for the right reasons. If it’s well-managed, it can be beneficial and amicable. You just need the right perspective and some effort.
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July 21st, 2008 §
Challenging other people’s assumptions through confrontation can get really messy and ugly, but it’s necessary sometimes. I’ve braved confrontation many times before, but each time I do it it’s like walking into a landmine.
This weekend I decided to confront my wife (again). This time it was about her contribution to a side-project we’re working on, where I expected a bit more ownership from the team members. My wife insisted that I specified clearly what I wanted, and that she would do the work accordingly.
I raised my voice and mentioned the dozens of times I sent out emails and verbalized the need for her to go in and comment on the documentation that was in draft form, and realized that she was actually talking about summarizing it down to work tasks in small, do-able chunks – and hence minimizing the need to think too much.
I was close to spitting expletives, with my parents at the front of the car and my sister sitting next to me.
The misunderstanding, I feel, wasn’t a misunderstanding at all – but a difference in priorities. In this project, I am the sole member of the team with any real interest in the project, and the other two guys are sort of just there.
My problem is that I expect people to take ownership. I don’t like bossing people around. I expect people to think independently and creatively to contribute with an opinion. I feel that opinions are something a lot of people are particularly bad at. Not because they don’t voice out, but because they can’t carve an argument out for nuts.
And that, really, is what confrontation is all about.
Confrontation is talking to other people to tease out details of information necessary to get the work done. It is a tiresome task, but it is important and necessary. Work often doesn’t get done without confrontation.
Next time you are faced with a situation where you’re part of a team, and there’s a piece of work that needs to be done but it’s not being assigned to anyone, your team may be in need of some real confrontation. Here’s some quick tips on how to make it a bit easier:
1. Find out exactly what work needs to be done
Most people take the easy jobs, because it’s measurable and provides a sense of satisfaction when people get it done. People avoid work that’s ambiguous and has no clear definition or starting point. Unfortunately, not all work is black and white. So, you and your team members will need to address the ambiguous parts of the work, and make it crystal clear.
For me, things were not so simple, because we had started from a clean slate. There were no rules, no templates, and we were still discussing details. I decided the only way to start was to start writing things down.
2. Specify things clearly
The way to reduce the gray areas was for me to write everything down – every single detail, problem or idea that came into my head. I took up ownership first, and made sure that there was some documentation to begin with.
Confrontation requires context. People need to understand exactly what you’re talking about. And if they don’t hear you say it, they should know where to find the missing details. Either that, or it should already be obvious. Maybe you don’t have to write things down, but you may need to explain things clearly.
For me, the next part was even harder – getting people to take ownership of the document.
3. Educate
Next, I had to explain to everyone where I was coming from, what the point of the documentation was, and why it was so important. The reason why the ideas and thoughts and problems in written form were so important was because we didn’t have anything before. I didn’t want to go in circles. If there was an idea, I didn’t want it to be repeated. I thought this was the best way to get things done.
But it didn’t mean that the others would think the same way.
Sometimes confrontation is a lot about agreeing to understand each other’s point of view, and using it as a basis for reasoning out the problems. Sometimes they’re incongruent, and people stick to their side of the fence. But that’s better than not having talked about it.
At least now my wife and my friend have a better understanding of where I’m coming from. They don’t have an opinion, so they’ve decided to go with what we have now, and work it out from there.
I don’t know which part of the dark ages we’d be living in if I had assumed things.
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July 13th, 2008 §
Here are some of my rules for non-conformity. I am primarily a non-conformist, who tries to conform, and then gets tired of it. At the back of my mind, I’ve always had the fear of losing much just from not fitting in. But fitting in was not in me.
I’m glad I found a place for myself, by not conforming to what is popular, to cliques, to overly simple things. I have found pockets of friends in different areas of interest. They are all different from each other but I appreciate them all. They share a part of me that’s unique that’s not popular but is authentic.
I’ve also gained success by not conforming. By not conforming, I set up a college newsletter by myself. I started new things that others hated me for, but ended up using because it was too good. I give away credit. I don’t hoard the limelight. I don’t burn bridges, but many don’t visit. The people who do are friends. Chalk it up to experience, and it’s worth a story. Nothing is lost at all.
Most of my successes are owed to these rules that I’ve lived by. It’s quite like a game that I’ve played since I was a kid. It still stands today.
- Observe the world
- Make up your own rules
- Generate good ideas, and implement them
- Don’t believe everything people say
- Don’t be afraid to object and have reasons for it
- Find the useless in TV, then give TV up for good
- Repeat for radio
- Control consumption of propaganda
- Practice what you preach
- Read stuff that’s world changing
- Write stuff that’s world changing
- Everyone is different, some look the same
- Forgive
- Rinse and repeat
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July 2nd, 2008 §
I opted out of a fulfilling career in the United States in exchange for a fulfilling relationship with my wife in marriage. My long term goal is that we are able to enjoy each other in the company of things we enjoy doing together.
The sacrifice I made was not a complete exchange, but a re-prioritization of my goals. Of course I wanted a fulfilling career. Of course I wanted to work in Chicago. Of course I wanted to earn 3.8 times more than what folks were being paid back home.
But I know that some relationships are worth keeping more than other life goals, and being Asian, our careers tend to take a backseat.
I have to admit I was naive about the work conditions in Malaysia, and how poorly paid software workers are, and how my overall experience was not beneficial to me in the long run. But this was sustainable because of my relationship with my wife.
Now, 6 years and 3 jobs later, I’m reassessing my life goals, and finding that Malaysia’s software industry moves at a pace that’s too slow for my liking. They work hard, but move slow. I don’t particularly like that very much.
My wife is going through a similar process right now. In fact, she sacrificed a lot more to find a job she really enjoys, and that was only possible because I’ve been supporting her through this process.
She’s gone from a high-paying low-interest bank job to a challenging insurance sales job and now to a low-paying but enjoyable children’s art business development job. She says she now enjoys the work apart from the pay, but the pay is becoming an increasingly important factor.
Looking at what we enjoy doing together for the future, and comparing it to what we have on hand – it’s becoming more unlikely that we’ll be able to achieve that in the short-term.
We’re both clear on what we want:
- A sustainable and enjoyable marriage
- To enjoy doing certain things together – traveling alone together, for one
- A healthy cash-flow
- The freedom and safety to manage and enjoy a family
- A satisfying career
I’m having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing and the career thing. She’s having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing.
This makes the whole picture look incomplete and that’s not good. But it’s sustainable – and that’s how the marriage has helped us both. When things are sustainable, we’re able to make choices about our lives. It’s like steering a boat together. It takes time and a lot of sharing.
Marriage has helped us through both of our careers because we’ve looked out for one another. We care a lot for each other because we share the same goals. To me, this is one ideal environment for someone who wants this kind of work-life balance. And it’s not just for the both of us.
Either that, or I’m too chicken to lose out on a great relationship.
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