The sacrifice I made was not a complete exchange, but a re-prioritization of my goals. Of course I wanted a fulfilling career. Of course I wanted to work in Chicago. Of course I wanted to earn 3.8 times more than what folks were being paid back home.

But I know that some relationships are worth keeping more than other life goals, and being Asian, our careers tend to take a backseat.

I have to admit I was naive about the work conditions in Malaysia, and how poorly paid software workers are, and how my overall experience was not beneficial to me in the long run. But this was sustainable because of my relationship with my wife.

Now, 6 years and 3 jobs later, I’m reassessing my life goals, and finding that Malaysia’s software industry moves at a pace that’s too slow for my liking. They work hard, but move slow. I don’t particularly like that very much.

My wife is going through a similar process right now. In fact, she sacrificed a lot more to find a job she really enjoys, and that was only possible because I’ve been supporting her through this process.

She’s gone from a high-paying low-interest bank job to a challenging insurance sales job and now to a low-paying but enjoyable children’s art business development job. She says she now enjoys the work apart from the pay, but the pay is becoming an increasingly important factor.

Looking at what we enjoy doing together for the future, and comparing it to what we have on hand – it’s becoming more unlikely that we’ll be able to achieve that in the short-term.

We’re both clear on what we want:

1. A sustainable and enjoyable marriage
2. To enjoy doing certain things together – traveling alone together, for one
3. A healthy cash-flow
4. The freedom and safety to manage and enjoy a family
5. A satisfying career

I’m having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing and the career thing. She’s having problems with the cash-flow thing and the family thing.

This makes the whole picture look incomplete and that’s not good. But it’s sustainable – and that’s how the marriage has helped us both. When things are sustainable, we’re able to make choices about our lives. It’s like steering a boat together. It takes time and a lot of sharing.

Marriage has helped us through both of our careers because we’ve looked out for one another. We care a lot for each other because we share the same goals. To me, this is one ideal environment for someone who wants this kind of work-life balance. And it’s not just for the both of us.

Either that, or I’m too chicken to lose out on a great relationship.

Resources:

• Beware of burnout – Take the test (Penelope Trunk)
• Your significant other can teach you workplace skills (Penelope Trunk)
• How much money do you need to be happy? Hint: Your sex life matters more (Penelope Trunk)
• How to set marriage goals (Associated Press)

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I think that in the West, this might seem like a relational nightmare. This is the equivalent of big family Thanksgiving dinner three days in a row. But somehow, it sort of works out in the East. At least, that’s how it has been for many families here.

Culture has a big part to play. Everyone knows the rules. Some fit in really well. Some just stay by the sidelines. Some are there to make sure everyone gets along. In a social game where there are different players, everyone needs to know the rules. Anyone who doesn’t seem to fit in won’t get included, or force may be applied.

I feel it’s the same in any social setting. Take for example corporate culture. There’s obvious work to be done. There are departments that seem to take on certain forms, which helps us decide how employees relate to them. There are managers, who each have their own personalities. Communicating well with them requires specific skills and opportunities.

Culture is hard to change, and most people learn to adjust and get along instead of rocking the boat. But the good news is that they get to go home at the end of the day.

If I had a choice, there would be certain things I would change about culture, but that would be to suit my selfish needs. Learning to adapt is an entirely different thing altogether, and a more appropriate skill to have, especially when things need to change.

The three options I give myself involve self-initiated productivity, communication and exiting.

Self-initiated productivity is the most active thing I can do as an individual that is healthy and doesn’t require a lot of convincing or persuading. In a way, it’s about doing the work you think needs to get done in your own way, and making sure it fits into the business. It can shape the way you perceive a business, and the way a company perceives you and the work.

Communication is about expressing my opinions, that may or may not change the way people think or work. It’s often subtle, but necessary. Communication is about expressing how the work I do impacts the business, and how effective I see this work plays a part in everything. Sometimes communication is all it takes to shape a healthy culture. Sometimes, it does nothing. But it’s necessary, so that people are aware to make the appropriate decisions.

Finally, exiting happens when there’s no room left to grow, or that the direction you want to move to is going against the grain, or that it may just be time to let someone else take your spot. Whatever the reason, people come and go all the time in the corporate world. But it’s often beneficial for exits to take place, even though it may sound like a sad ending in a story. Exits can shape cultures too. People learn to adapt.

My experience this time round with my family hasn’t changed much over the last few decades. Unlike companies, this particular group of people will never change. The players won’t leave, the rules won’t change, but we’ll all have different stories growing up and that’s just how things will be. The only difference is that there’s a longer time-out, instead of the day’s end where people pack up and go home.

It’s during this long time-out that we go back to playing the game of life, in ways we think it ought to be played, according to our own rules.