Challenging other people’s assumptions through confrontation can get really messy and ugly, but it’s necessary sometimes. I’ve braved confrontation many times before, but each time I do it it’s like walking into a landmine.
This weekend I decided to confront my wife (again). This time it was about her contribution to a side-project we’re working on, where I expected a bit more ownership from the team members. My wife insisted that I specified clearly what I wanted, and that she would do the work accordingly.
I raised my voice and mentioned the dozens of times I sent out emails and verbalized the need for her to go in and comment on the documentation that was in draft form, and realized that she was actually talking about summarizing it down to work tasks in small, do-able chunks – and hence minimizing the need to think too much.
I was close to spitting expletives, with my parents at the front of the car and my sister sitting next to me.
The misunderstanding, I feel, wasn’t a misunderstanding at all – but a difference in priorities. In this project, I am the sole member of the team with any real interest in the project, and the other two guys are sort of just there.
My problem is that I expect people to take ownership. I don’t like bossing people around. I expect people to think independently and creatively to contribute with an opinion. I feel that opinions are something a lot of people are particularly bad at. Not because they don’t voice out, but because they can’t carve an argument out for nuts.
And that, really, is what confrontation is all about.
Confrontation is talking to other people to tease out details of information necessary to get the work done. It is a tiresome task, but it is important and necessary. Work often doesn’t get done without confrontation.
Next time you are faced with a situation where you’re part of a team, and there’s a piece of work that needs to be done but it’s not being assigned to anyone, your team may be in need of some real confrontation. Here’s some quick tips on how to make it a bit easier:
1. Find out exactly what work needs to be done
Most people take the easy jobs, because it’s measurable and provides a sense of satisfaction when people get it done. People avoid work that’s ambiguous and has no clear definition or starting point. Unfortunately, not all work is black and white. So, you and your team members will need to address the ambiguous parts of the work, and make it crystal clear.
For me, things were not so simple, because we had started from a clean slate. There were no rules, no templates, and we were still discussing details. I decided the only way to start was to start writing things down.
2. Specify things clearly
The way to reduce the gray areas was for me to write everything down – every single detail, problem or idea that came into my head. I took up ownership first, and made sure that there was some documentation to begin with.
Confrontation requires context. People need to understand exactly what you’re talking about. And if they don’t hear you say it, they should know where to find the missing details. Either that, or it should already be obvious. Maybe you don’t have to write things down, but you may need to explain things clearly.
For me, the next part was even harder – getting people to take ownership of the document.
3. Educate
Next, I had to explain to everyone where I was coming from, what the point of the documentation was, and why it was so important. The reason why the ideas and thoughts and problems in written form were so important was because we didn’t have anything before. I didn’t want to go in circles. If there was an idea, I didn’t want it to be repeated. I thought this was the best way to get things done.
But it didn’t mean that the others would think the same way.
Sometimes confrontation is a lot about agreeing to understand each other’s point of view, and using it as a basis for reasoning out the problems. Sometimes they’re incongruent, and people stick to their side of the fence. But that’s better than not having talked about it.
At least now my wife and my friend have a better understanding of where I’m coming from. They don’t have an opinion, so they’ve decided to go with what we have now, and work it out from there.
I don’t know which part of the dark ages we’d be living in if I had assumed things.
If you liked what you read, consider subscribing.
Similar Posts
- Meetings are a sign of bad things
- Moving to London and how everyone is wrong
- Did you vote for change in Malaysia? Get rid of your sofa.
- Why it sucks to be a Software Engineer
- Brands need to better communicate their promises
Haha, it is very hard to expect everyone to think like the way you are thinking. You should be thankful for your wife being a supportive one. I guess your wife is there for you and your side project than being really interested in the project you are doing. She is interested mainly because she is doing it with you, and whether she is interested in the project comes secondary. At least , she is supportive of what you are doing and willing to check out your progress.
My wife is a very capable lady. She works for one of the most admired MNC as a regional manager. And yet, she always love to participate in my side projects just to help me out with my work load by accomplishing little things. So , I guess, you can give some special treatment to your wife by taking up some of her workload,:).
Starting things from scratch is always tough and requires a leader with vision supported by a team of contributors. So , if you are the idea initiator, you can try to take this opportunity to brush up your leadership skills. Good luck in your projects.